This is no April Fool post and pretty much falls into the blatant TMI category.However, today I want to talk about butts. Asses. And even a little bit about poop. Because, yeah, I don’t get enough weird Google searches, I’m hoping to draw in ALL the weirdos on the internet, there have to be some left out there.
There is a list a mile long that many gals can make about the not-so-desirable side effects of motherhood. Specifically, the things pregnancy does to your body. (Dudes, put down the mouse and back away slowly, this is your final warning.)
As for me, one of the peskier postpartum “blessings” was, uh, hemmorhoids. Or, to be completely correct, hemmorhoidal flare up. Now, the first time this happened I was, in a word, alarmed.
I thought hemmorhoid problems were reserved for the elderly. I was 24, what the hell did I know about any major or, obviously, minor health issues? I was a fairly healthy individual up until that point, I didn’t know anything. I was a medical dummy. And this was before you could Google symptoms and freak yourself about stuff.
Upon the arrival of that first, big hefty bundle of joy, my ass turned on me. My hemmorhoids had hemmorhoids. It wasn’t childbirth painful, but it wasn’t fun. In one of those postpartum checkups, I shared my ass problems with my doctor and was freaked about why I had them.
“The strain of pushing out a 9-pound baby for over an hour is how they happened.”
That and, oh yeah, ripping from here to Costa Rica.
Anyway, I got the suppositories and the Haley’s MO and all the over the counter stuff you do when you have issues with your ass. And eventually, they went away.
Had Zach. Got hemmorhoids.
Had Sammie. Got hemmorhoids.
Had Emersyn. This time, as an extra special bonus, I got internal hemmorhoids that resulted in some super awesome trips to the bathroom where I wondered if I was hemorrhaging, and not only that, I got the deluxe colonoscopy to get some biopsies. Yippee!
What it boils down to is, for me - have a baby, get hemmorhoids.
Got it.
MESSAGE RECEIVED.
Fast forward to last week.
Trip home, flying with the girls, drive home, get my bearings and finally crawl into bed and as I try to fall asleep, something feels all wrong south of the Equator.
Down there.
In Assville.
Like, really really wrong.
Like, should I wake up my husband and make him take me to the ER, because it feels like my intestines are going to come shooting out of my hind parts, and if I don’t wake him up, he’ll wake up in the morning and roll over and see that I’m dead because somehow, in the middle of the night, all of my internal organs came shooting out of my ass and he’ll be sitting there in a week on the Today Show couch with Matt Lauer asking him, “How did you feel when you woke up and found your wife dead with her organs spilling out of her butt like that, dying in that bizarre medical accident?”, and he’ll say “Gee, Matt, I felt terrible, I had no idea anything was wrong with her butt!” because for some reason on the Today show, when people have a family member die in some horrific tragedy, they ask “how did you feel when your loved one died?” like there is going to be some answer other than, “pretty bad, it sucked, thanks for asking”.
**I’m hoping that previous statement is the longest run-on sentence in the history of the world. If only I could be so lucky!**
But I didn’t wake him, and mercifully, I did not suffer any ass-related peril during the night but the problem made itself known soon enough and I realized what it was.
Hemmorhoids.
What is wrong with this picture?
OK, dude, I’m pretty certain that no people have been pushed out of my girly parts lately. Which is the only precursor to ass problems I’ve ever had. So, seriously, what gives?
Then I realized it. I’m old. I just had a birthday and now, I AM the old people in the hemmorhoid cream commercials. WTF!
So I’m lamenting my sad tale to Gina and she says, “Are you constipated?”
Dear, sweet Gina...
Is the Pope Catholic?
I was also informed at one point, by a person in a medical profession, that people are supposed to poop every day.
For real?
It would appear that I am the ultimate pooping underachiever whereas hubby, well, not to be too indelicate, but I think they set Big Ben according to his regularity.
Today then, I’m wondering if I have normal or abnormal issues with my hind parts. Thus, the creation of one of your favorite things, the POLL BOX. Multiple boxes can be checked!
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34 comments:
A side alert -it's my understanding that polyps can sometimes come down -and out -kind of like those other issues you discussed in this blog -only way more painful. That happened to my grandmother and that's how I came to be semi-knowledgeable on the topic. It's all still just another big pain in the behind though.
What a fantastic post ... and, hey, not on a topic you read about every day - that's for sure. How's this for you: I suffered the Horrific Haemmerhoids after a caesar. yes, ridiculous and most uncalled for. According my doctor just too much rushing to, erm, get the business done while small person yowled in the next room for feed/cuddle/nothing.
Its so nice to know that others feel my pain. Literally. I have NEVER been a once-a-dayer. My husband is also like Big Ben. I've got issues. Serious issues. Over the years - I've tried lots of stuff. In time I've learned that I am a 3-4 times a week pooper. And when I say its time - MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. If I hold it, forget it - that turtle has climbed back into the shell and will take days to re-emerge. I've talked to doctors - they have all said "once a day is best, but as long as you're going without any special medicine aids...you seem to be fine" I also got the hems as a result of 3 hours of pusing a kid out - and I LOATHE using cream... it just makes me feel dirty. YUCK.
All around...sometimes it sucks to be a girl!
Poor dear. Fiber and water. Just sayin'.
Never had then and I have also heard that if you are pushing to hard after "perk-olating" it will also cause this wonderful PITA (literally). Diet would probably help to get you more regular but talk to your doc. They might have a suggestion. GL
You crack me up! LOL
I have the internal kind (from childbirth) that flare up if I am not regular. So, I make sure I am regular. It takes dedication, I tell ya! Fiber drinks, occasional Miralx (miracle drug), omega supplements, and now that I'm pregnant again and have to take those big horse vitamins, my doctor gave me the kind that have colace IN them already to help keep things, er, moving. ;)
"Bum-mer"
I concur with the professor ... water and fiber. LOTS of water and you will go daily.
I drink over 100 oz a day ... get yourself a jug of water and fill it daily, make sure it's gone before bedtime.
I got the hems with both kids... and now whenever I travel (as a result that when I travel I don't poo - which is actually a common occurance).
Fun times people.
PS I love you. In a non threatening non weird kinda way - in the way that you say stuff I wish I could say but don't have the guts... cause the guts are busy coming out of my ass...
During my third (and final) pregnancy I had a hemorrhoidal thrombosis. What is that you ask? Basically, it's a blood clot in the hemorrhoid that causes severe pain and has to be surgically removed to cause more pain. I couldn't walk for days both before and after the procedure -- honestly it was worse than any of my three labors and deliveries.
For whatever reason, I couldn't select 2 - but yep, I have them every once in a while, but got the first one after I also got ripped from here to Costa Rica during childbirth.
Mr. Hot also sets the clocks by his trips to the bathroom. I'd be lucky to know what day of the week it is (and yes, I eat tons of fiber AND drink lots and lots of water.)
This? This is the post I come back to? I think I'll go have surgery again. HA!
That was a funny poll - you really crack me up sister.
I am in the minority here (apparently) as a guy reading this but was alarmed but not grossed out about the prevalence of hemorrhoids in the female populace. A male friend of mine gets them from drinking too much and having what he calls "hard poop" and I've suffered with them from time to time from intense toilet time pushing. Now maybe that's TMI.
See, you warned me to back away, but I kept on reading. And since I see that no other men commented, I take it that they actually take a warning for what it is...
And now I'm left here with nothing to say but, what crappy luck you seem to have.
Anything ass related is funny to me no matter what the suffering. I was laughing through your whole post. Sorry you have to go through the pain though.
I was terrified of hemmoroids happening thanks to the ever paranoia inducing "What To Expect When You're Expecting", but I was lucky to not get any during my pregnancies.
I hope I never get them when I'm old.
Butt, I have heard that plenty of fiber and drinking lots of water help keep them tucked in nicely.
LMAO!!!! I love butt, poopy and 'roid talk! Snicker Snicker!
Ok, I weighed 188+lbs 2yrs ago got 'roids every once in a while.
Start eating healthy, exercising, drinking 20gals of water, lose 53 lbs. Get 'roids on regular basis. WTF.
See Dr. Dr. says (rather non-chalantly)
"Oh, thats normal when you lose a lot of weight". UH? Normal? Oh yeah being 50 helps also.
O and a "Happy pooper is a daily pooper". LOL
I have internal ones from my ulcerated colitis from pooping a lot. Never knew I had them. My wife has them a lot. Stress and not pooping for a day or two causes them or even picking up kids. My FIL had the surgery for them. Dude, find a surgeon that knows new procedures. Pooping HURTS after surgery. So you are lucky. It was all the riding in the car that did it. Don't you remember the rep for Prep H was a truck driver when we were kids.
Anywhoo. It appears a$$ sex doesn't affect it since we are TMI'ing today. But ya, child birth really does destroy the female body.
~Jef
This was so funny I found myself laughing uproariously. And then I felt totally guilty for laughing at your pain.
No hemmorhoids here, but hubs has 'em (shh, he'd be embarrassed to know I said anything).
Then there was that female comedian who joked that wearing a thong was like butt-flossing her hemmorhoids.
This is my first time to your blog, found your comments over at hotfessional, and I laughed my ass off!
I haven't had a baby yet so no hemorrhoids for me, yet...
Have you considered googling IBS? Maybe that is what is going on with your pooping and hemorrhoids..
Damn, I tried to back away and the mouse slipped. There I was in pregnancy hemmer something or other land. I looked for the "My poop smells like roses" option on the poll, but to no avail. Now I'm stuck here with no way out except through the comment hole...
It wasn't even the 2 hours of purple pushing flat on my back that did it...it was trying to wean myself off of the colace two weeks later. Ugh.
I got to take Zelnorm a few years back. It was heavenly. It was only FDA-approved for 6 weeks of use, though, which is pretty useless for a medication meant for a chronic condition. But, oh, what a wonderful 6 weeks it was.
I am so regular you can set a clock by me....I think it's the Fiber One bars I eat everyday.
And my four year old? Her poops are so big they clog the toilet EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Think that's a problem? Should I mention it to her pediatrician?
I got hemmorhoids with Aislinn, and they never really went away. They don't cause me any pain (usually) and I've heard that the surgery to get rid of them can be extremely painful. So, I'm being a big ole wuss. (This, from someone who just had her face operated on, go figure.)
My one girlfriend and I discuss poop all the time...I'm so glad to have such a dear friend!
I am the complete opposite...regular as anything!
'Getting to know, Getting to know all about you'...sing-a-long!
Well... my dad had the surgery a long time ago and they told him to drink a cup of blood warm water every morning and splash a little Mennen's Skin Bracer (the green stuff) on your ass after you do the pooping thing. They claimed that skin bracer was the best stuff they'd ever found for 'em.
Now a word of warning... don't use too much, and make sure you take a deep breath before you splash it on there, because, believe it or not, your sphincter is connected directly to your lungs and it'll take your breath clean away the first few times...
Well that was a lovely poll. Can't say I got 'roids after childbirth. I think something else had to be reconstructed!
OMG this post and the comments are so frelling funny!! I guess there are some advantages (other than financial) to being 41 and childless. I've heard about baby-induced hemorrhoids (from my mom and sister, both of whom have given birth), but thankfully I have never had that experience.
Regular? What's that?? Oh yeah, what guys do (my hubby included). Ummm, not me, and I don't worry one bit about it. Who needs to poop every day? I'm sure that is overrated.
Nope.....never had 'em...
thank you, Jesus! lol
My solidarity with the mommy blogger mafia was proven just now. I am forever one of you.
One of the side effects of my diabetic meds is diarhea...which is worse...not going enough or going wayyyyy too much???lol
Okay, this is one of my second or third visits here and I am chuckling and commiserating at the same time.
Actually, I had a 9lb 4oz boy and had actually had two rectal tears in addition to hems. It was so unpleasant and I ended up having ass surgery to repair them a few months later. My husband and I joke about it now, but it was horrendous at the time. I eat very high-fiber cereal every single morning, plus water and an apple too. My older son is only 3 but he has serious constipation issues and I am completely paranoid about him too now-so I keep him on a serious fiber diet too.
I'm the only gal I know that has had 3 colonoscopies...all before the ripe OLD age of 33. I always know it's those pesky internal HIMorrhoids (yeah I said it) but colon cancer runs in my family so I get a camera up my back door occasionally. I wish I liked that sort of thing...
soooo funny that you are talking about this. Try sitting in the car for 10 hours. One way. Then finally taking advantage of the large mirror at Ann Taylor Loft while trying on a dress to wear to your father's funeral. Discovering that your child is 11.5 months old yet apparently the 'roid rage is still all the rage on your ass-side.
Ah, joys.
Yeah the fiber and water may not work. I have tried it. I just learned that I have them, and unless I want to have painful ass surgery they will live there FOREVER. So they can live there quietly. If they start getting rowdy then I will smack them down.
Had the operation in Feb 2008 - then a week of pure hell (I wanted to die)
- got them during childbirth 20 years ago ....
Single now ... getting rid of h's -husband, house, hemroids ....
just had the skin tags cut off today ...
BEST THING (after kids) that I have every done ... I feel so much better about myself
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